It's Funny Cos It's True!


Monty Python and the Holy Grail - a benchmark in comedic film-making, from possibly the most influential force in modern day comedy.

(Source: bowtiesandbatman)


Via Art's Random Pics and Quips

CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
The man said, “you can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “you don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This useless gun was loaded with blanks", she said. "So I had to beat him to death with the chair."


Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?

A. Three. The rest are true stories…



"Some Like It Hot" (1959)
They just don’t make movies like this anymore…

(Source: xiahtod)


Via Art's Random Pics and Quips

Statistically

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right.

The statistician yells, “we got him!”


First Date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time.

The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father’s advice and asks the girl, “do you like potato pancakes?”
"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, “if you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”



Gotta get your priorities right!



I can’t believe your voice is deeper in real life - somewhere in the world, a whale just ovulated.

– Charlie Pickering to the new ‘Bachelor’ Australia, 2014 on “The Project”

Calculus Party

There’s this calculus party, and all the functions are invited.

ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend ex sulking in a corner.
ln(x) asks, “what’s wrong ex?”
ex says, “I’m so lonely!”
ln(x) replies, “well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!”

ex looks up and cries, “it won’t make a difference!”


On Tour

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."



The seven sins of the 90 acre forest….

(Source: )


Via It's Only Temporary

MODERN CIVILIZATION

Brains! Give me bra…. oh, none left?

Via LOSERSISTER

Monorail (The Simpsons)

  • Lyle Lanley: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car Monorail!
  • What'd I say?
  • Ned Flanders: Monorail!
  • Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
  • Patty+Selma: Monorail!
  • Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
  • [crowd chants `Monorail' softly and rhythmically]
  • Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud...
  • Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
  • Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
  • Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
  • Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
  • Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs.
  • Abe: Were you sent here by the devil?
  • Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
  • Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
  • Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
  • I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
  • Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
  • All: Monorail!
  • Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
  • All: Monorail!
  • Lyle Lanley: Once again...
  • All: Monorail!
  • Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken...
  • Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
  • All: Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!
  • [big finish] Monorail!
  • Homer: Mono... D'oh!

A Photon Walks Into a Bar

A Photon walks into a bar and checks into his oom.

The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.

The Photon replies, “no, I’m traveling light”


Suicidal

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?

He took 1/50th of the recommended dose…


1145
To Tumblr, Love PixelUnion