It's Funny Cos It's True!

Knot Theory

A man walks into a bar with a dog and a cat.

The bartender tells him, “we don’t allow animals in here, buddy.”
The man responds, “but these are very special animals. They’re knot theorists.”

The bartender is skeptical. “Oh yeah? Prove it.”
He looks at the cat and asks, ”name a knot invariant.”
"Mu! Mu!"

He looks to the dog. “Name a knot invariant.”
"Arf! Arf!"

The bartender kicks the man out.
Out on the street, the dog looks at the man and says, “should I have said ‘the Jones polynomial?’”


A Cunning Linguist

A philosopher says to a linguist, “what if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”

To which the linguist replied, “they’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions….”


It’s actually POETS day - Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday

It’s actually POETS day - Piss Off Early, Tomorrow’s Saturday


Bar Joke

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke.

……Apparently an anecdote was also in attendance.


Heisenberg

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.

Cop pulled him over and says, “son, do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?”

Heisenberg said, “no, but I knew where I was.”

The cop says “You were doing 100 miles an hour.”

To which Heisenberg replies, “great, now I’m lost!”


Dang!

Dang!


Final Exam

Three professionals, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job.

The sole question in the exam was, “how much is one plus one”.

The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said, “I have proven its a natural number.”

The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said, “its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001.”

The engineer quickly said, “oh! its easy! its two…. no, better make it three, just to be safe.”


Higgs Boson

A Higgs Boson walks into a church.

The priest says, “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”.

The Higgs Boson then replies, “but without me, how could you have mass?”


Oh my, it’s going to be a long day….

Oh my, it’s going to be a long day….


Never Marry a Programmer

The programmer’s wife tells him, “run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.


Never Ask a Physicist

A farmer has a problem with foxes eating his hens.

So he asks his physicist friend to help find a solution.

The physicist spends a day thinking, then replies, “well, I’ve found a solution, but it will only work for spherical chickens of equal density in a vacuum”.



So go and get fucked.


Q & A

Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?

A: Beer


Crows

What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.


Yeah!

Yeah!


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